December 14, 2011

I'm FREE!!!!!!!

That is all.

But you want more, right? Well, I wish could give you more, and I'll certainly try, but in the interest of privacy (and, aw heck, embarrassment) I'm going to omit some details.

Today marks the end of a dark time, the end of being on a short leash, the end of answering every beck and call of a certain someone, and the end of a semester.

It marks the beginning of an old life, the option to leave, the lack of obligations and the final dash to graduation.

Despite the thick, oppressing air and lack of sunshine for over 48 hours, I feel happier and just plain FREEer than I have in a long, long time.

More than three months ago, something happened. I can't really tell you what it was. But it happened. And while the ordeal is not quite over, the grip it held on my life is now gone. Poof. Just like that. Happy Holidays to you too, Newton. Hope I never have to talk to you again. Everyone (everyone who knows, that is) keeps congratulating me on my new found FREEdom. They keep telling me how happy they are for me. And I know they are. And I guess I am too, but it feels wrong to be happy about it. I am, in a way. I'm really excited to do things I want to do when I want to do them, but I feel like I escaped Karma somehow, and She's going to come back and say "HA remember me? Remember when you eluded *****? Well guess what? KAPOW!" And something is going to happen that will make me regret asking to be FREE. Now, I know that Karma is not really a real thing, and when you look back on the history of it, and stuff, Karma's not really all about punishing (or rewarding) you in this life for little actions or inaction you have taken. It's more how your next life turns out. But isn't it funny that practically everyone blames, or attributes Karma to their misfortunes/woes/happiness/luck? I'm no different. See, on that fateful night, I couldn't help thinking that it was my fault that everything went wrong. Obviously, the mere act itself was clearly my fault. But it was so preventable and yet, it wasn't prevented. It happened.

But, I really should be more optimistic. Because if there's really such thing as Karma, then it's out of my hands. And if there's not really such thing (and my rational self wants to believe the latter), then everything will be fine. Either way, I'm FREE from it, and should just stop worrying about it. I can go back to my old life now. And that feels really really good.

Phew. That was the hard one to talk about. Even just writing it, and putting it out to the universe--feels wrong. I haven't really talked to anyone about it.


I am sooooo done with TAing the class from hach eee double hockey sticks. So so so freaking all the way DONE with it. The class wasn't that bad. Sure, there were a few students who made me want to SCREAM, but their grade reflects their poor attitude and I quietly relish that (no matter how smart you think you are if you don't come to class, [especially this class] there's a good chance you will miss something that you can't get out of a book. And it's not my fault. So don't you DARE bring it up in review session like, "I've never heard that term before like omg". I'm glad you did poorly on the test). No, most of the students were fun and excited and willing to learn. It was the instructor. Oh holy hell I could go on and on and on. But there's really no point. Because it's OVER. But I no longer have to do whatever she effing wants anymore. And boy does that feel good.

Last, it's the end of the semester. Which means that I get to spend all of the break working on my thesis. No, it's no the most ideal way to spend break, but it's my last chance of uninterrupted time to really work on it before it needs to be DONE. But also knowing that I can work on it at school, or at my house, or at my parents' house or at a coffee shop or at the city library is so LIBERATING. I really hope to get a lot done on it before next semester, because the spring is going to be a crazy time.

I'm so close to being done with school I can almost taste it.

I am just having the best day ever. Really really really. I love today. And OH MY FREAKING MOSES THE SUN JUST CAME OUT!

The end.

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