February 9, 2012

On geology

Ok so I consumed caffeine this morning for the first time in a long time, and I am WIRED. I already finished grading papers, did one run-through of my presentation, and have read a zillion articles and blogs, all in 2 1/2 hours. That's a record for me [that's also why I weaned myself off of caffeine--now when I need  it, it really REALLY works]. And right now I just feel like I need to write. It's a weird feeling, but if I don't I might EXPLODE!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I was in the structure lab this morning and something caught my eye. It was a hand-written note on the white board by one of the undergrads who also uses the lab. It said:

I love rocks, chocolate and Katie

That's it. But reading it brought back some strong (albeit weird) emotions. Mostly from my undergrad. When I really really loved geology. Like, I loved it a lot. I loved learning about it, I loved telling people about it, I loved field trips, I loved fantasizing about grad school and my life as a Geo professor. I just loved it. I loved how it made sense. How it combined my love for the outdoors with my desire to learn. I loved that it encompassed everything from volcanoes to landslides to glaciers to diamonds. I just found it so loveable.

But reading that thing on the board reminded me that I no longer have that passion. And before you stop reading because you think this is going to digress into a "woe is me, I should have done something different, my life sucks and I'm only in my twenties, I'll never find a career" don't. Because it won't. Don't get me wrong I have those thoughts all the time, but there's still a glimmer of hope.  And sometimes I need to remind myself of that.

Like when I go out into the field with the class I TA for. I love showing those kids how to map and I love learning more about the Wasatch Mountains. Those four hours on a Friday are some of my best all week.

Or when I'm making maps with Ron. Granted, it just started, but yesterday I had so. much. fun. doing it. Really!

Or when I'm hanging out with professionals that have cool jobs. It reminds me that there will be something out there for me that doesn't revolve around oil or academia.

But a lot of times I forget about that glimmer, and I get down on myself and I wonder what happened? What happened to the passion and the desire to learn as much as I could? I come to school each day now because I have to, not because I want to. I get all sorts of anxiety thinking about a future career. I ask myself pointless questions such as why I didn't become a doctor or a journalist?

But I guess I just need to remember those glimmers. They're there. And I still love geology. It's just not as strong or in my face as it was when I was an undergrad. I know this is sort of a pointless post, but I just needed to air it out. That's how I get through things. So, sorry if you feel like you've wasted your time. I just re-read it and realized I solved my own problem, but I guess that's why I write, you know? It's my own form of therapy.

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