I haven't bought an album in a long time. I just did about 30 minutess ago. And it feels. so. good. I used to be really "in" to music, yknow? I used to be one of those people who wouldn't shut up about my favorite bands and I would always have music playing and I would download as many live shows of the Grateful Dead that I possibly could. (I told you I was one of those people).

And then there was a fundamental shift. I moved to Boston. And the people that I hung out with weren't connected to me through music (unlike my L&C friends) (also, that's not entirely true, but I don't really want to get into my relationship with that person). I was connected to those Boston people on an entirely different level. And in most ways, it was good, better even than my music-related friends. We connected through activities and academic interests. We didn't spend hours trying to prove who was more of a fan.

On top of that, I lived in BOSTON. I no longer listened to my ipod when I walked because I wanted to be able to hear what was around me. I wanted to be apart of my surroundings, not removed from them. And it that's not because I'm some safety conscience  prude (though arguments can be made, I guess), it's because I honestly believe that it's more interesting to hear what the crazy guys on the bus have to say, what the ditzy girls walking through campus have to moan about (like, seriously?). I saw more when I wasn't listening to music. I looked around and noticed the architecture, hole-in-the-wall restaurants, flowers.

Pretty soon I only listened to music when I worked out. That mentality stayed with me through my move to Utah. Sure, I listen to Pandora when I'm writing (Mozart, mostly soooooo). And yes the ipod does get frequent use at parties and on road trips, but mostly not. I listen to NPR when running errands, or nothing if there is someone in the car with me. So now I'm that person. Ugh. Not much better huh?

Which brings me back to today. My favorite band ever (besides the Dead...), Yonder Mountain String Band is coming to Utah in a few weeks, so to prepare for their show I decided to look up their latest tunes. What a fan I am, they put out a new album almost three years ago THAT I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF. So I bought it, and I put it on. And it's so good. I've been sitting with my back to the door, my chin resting on my Nalgene, my eyes closed, and my fingers tapping. I haven't gotten any work done. Ooops. So worth it.

I'm sorry that I haven't been around much, music world, but I promise I'll frequent you more often. I forgot how much fun I have.

My favorite track, so far

On geology

Ok so I consumed caffeine this morning for the first time in a long time, and I am WIRED. I already finished grading papers, did one run-through of my presentation, and have read a zillion articles and blogs, all in 2 1/2 hours. That's a record for me [that's also why I weaned myself off of caffeine--now when I need  it, it really REALLY works]. And right now I just feel like I need to write. It's a weird feeling, but if I don't I might EXPLODE!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I was in the structure lab this morning and something caught my eye. It was a hand-written note on the white board by one of the undergrads who also uses the lab. It said:

I love rocks, chocolate and Katie

That's it. But reading it brought back some strong (albeit weird) emotions. Mostly from my undergrad. When I really really loved geology. Like, I loved it a lot. I loved learning about it, I loved telling people about it, I loved field trips, I loved fantasizing about grad school and my life as a Geo professor. I just loved it. I loved how it made sense. How it combined my love for the outdoors with my desire to learn. I loved that it encompassed everything from volcanoes to landslides to glaciers to diamonds. I just found it so loveable.

But reading that thing on the board reminded me that I no longer have that passion. And before you stop reading because you think this is going to digress into a "woe is me, I should have done something different, my life sucks and I'm only in my twenties, I'll never find a career" don't. Because it won't. Don't get me wrong I have those thoughts all the time, but there's still a glimmer of hope.  And sometimes I need to remind myself of that.

Like when I go out into the field with the class I TA for. I love showing those kids how to map and I love learning more about the Wasatch Mountains. Those four hours on a Friday are some of my best all week.

Or when I'm making maps with Ron. Granted, it just started, but yesterday I had so. much. fun. doing it. Really!

Or when I'm hanging out with professionals that have cool jobs. It reminds me that there will be something out there for me that doesn't revolve around oil or academia.

But a lot of times I forget about that glimmer, and I get down on myself and I wonder what happened? What happened to the passion and the desire to learn as much as I could? I come to school each day now because I have to, not because I want to. I get all sorts of anxiety thinking about a future career. I ask myself pointless questions such as why I didn't become a doctor or a journalist?

But I guess I just need to remember those glimmers. They're there. And I still love geology. It's just not as strong or in my face as it was when I was an undergrad. I know this is sort of a pointless post, but I just needed to air it out. That's how I get through things. So, sorry if you feel like you've wasted your time. I just re-read it and realized I solved my own problem, but I guess that's why I write, you know? It's my own form of therapy.